


The Best Part of Waking Up

by fiveyaaas



Series: the classic roast®️timeline [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, I CANNOT believe that is a tag already, Inspired by Folgers "Home for the Holidays" Commercial, Pseudo-Incest, Smut, and 27 of them are folgers classic roast®️, fun fact: this fic is 1207 words, if this is not the most cursed fic i ever write, making this fic 2.2369511184756 percent, please just try to old yeller me like the hargreeves, simply the words “folgers classic roast®️“, this makes so many incest jokes that i gotta tag, try to do all the time with vanya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:02:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “Five had not left the Hargreeves table to time travel when he was thirteen in this timeline. No, in the 757th timeline of the Umbrella Academy world, henceforth referred to as the Folgers Classic Roast®️ Timeline, Five was forced to time travel.”OR, the cursed Folgers commercial AU that nobody reasonable would ever ask for and was written anyways.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: the classic roast®️timeline [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050386
Comments: 39
Kudos: 106





	The Best Part of Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> I have no words, except that I am sorry.

Five had not left the Hargreeves table to time travel when he was thirteen in this timeline. No, in the 757th timeline of the Umbrella Academy world, henceforth referred to as the Folgers Classic Roast®️ Timeline, Five was forced to time travel. 

To clarify, Five still had a thirst for knowledge and control of his powers, but Five also had a thirst for the incredibly common taste of Folgers Classic Roast ® and the decidedly rare taste of Vanya Hargreeves. 

On the seventeenth hour of the fifteenth day of December 2006, Five Hargreeves had gotten that taste. Specifically with Vanya Hargreeves spread out across the dining hall table, yelling out his name while he tongued her frantically. This wasn’t unusual by any means because they were horny teenagers and that should be expected of people starved of any affection or enough sex education to know that what they were doing was entirely unsanitary. However, it was a particularly horrifying ordeal for Sir Reginald Hargreeves to walk down his stairs and see one of his more promising soldiers with a disturbingly wet chin and Vanya’s thighs resting on his shoulders. 

“Number Five, Number Seven,” he barked. Five glanced up lazily, shifting so that he was fingering Vanya rather than eating her out. 

“Yeah?” he asked impatiently. Vanya started screeching because he hit a particularly sensitive spot, and he grinned down at her. 

“This is entirely inappropriate and unbecoming of the very image of the Umbrella Academy.”

“I dunno, I think Vanya looks pretty great like this. It may help our image. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

Vanya was choking out “Fi” repeatedly, not entirely able to form much more than that. In any other circumstance, she would have been mortified, but as it was she was just seconds from release and she was only concerned about that. At his praise, she grabbed onto his hand and forced him to go faster, with him easily obliging. 

“I expect you both to stop this insolent behavior at once,” Reginald would have continued his self-righteous lecture about the end of the world and how eating pussy would inevitably lead to it, but then Vanya yelped out, “fuck, Five, I love you, don’t stop” which quickly evolved into incomprehensible noises and then her frantic movement completely stilling as her eyes rolled back into her head. 

“Oh, hey, Dad!” Vanya said, glancing up in confusion. “Five was just, uh, helping me with physics homework.”

It was an excuse they happened to use when they were decidedly not working on physics homework. It would of course have been entirely more believable if her thighs were not still wrapped around Five’s neck, and she hadn’t just been screaming out that she loved Five, who was grinning wildly and licking off the residual come from his fingers. Suffice to say, Reginald knew that Vanya and Five were not working on physics homework, and they probably hadn’t the nineteen other times in the past week they had said they were.

***

In the Folgers Classic Roast ®️ Timeline, Five did not leave the Academy for his own hubris leading him to unsuccessful time travel. He was forced away because his hubris had led him to Vanya orgasming in front of Sir Reginald Hargreeves, who, in layman terms, thought it was yucky. 

Five was decidedly more talented at giving Vanya orgasms than he was with time travel. 

Five did not leave without saying goodbye to Vanya in the Folgers Classic Roast ®️ Timeline, either, much to the entire mansion’s chagrin. While Allison and Luther’s romance was tolerated and Diego, Ben, and Klaus’s perplexed them all, Five and Vanya were unfortunately the loudest about it. This of course led them to give each other a very heartfelt goodbye. In layman terms, it was extremely yucky for the rest of the house. In less colloquial terms, Vanya should definitely get checked for a urinary tract infection in the days that followed. 

As Five left Vanya with one last kiss goodbye, he moved forward in time. 

In the Folgers Classic Roast ®️ Timeline, Five will be gone from Vanya’s life until December 25th, 2012.

(Unfortunately, he was unable to pick up any of the refreshing Folgers Classic Roast ®️ brew of coffee (Each sip delivers the rich, smooth flavor that’s been brewing for generations! Experience the timeless tradition of Folgers in every cup!) because as anyone who was involved too much in doomsday conspiracy theories will know, the Mayan calendar had ended on December 21st, 2012 and led everyone to believe there would be apocalypse on the same date… for some reason, this meant going full on Y2K apeshit on the grocery stores and hoarding all of the non-perishables which Folgers Classic Roast ®️ coffee technically _is,_ but the narrator would be remiss to mention that in doomsday scenarios people should seriously consider not hoarding shit and considering their fellow man for ten goddamn seconds.) 

When Five would come home, he would bring home a present for her, to celebrate their first Christmas together in years. He would have a lovely bow against it, which is important to note for the Incest Vibes™️ that will soon become relevant to the plot. If one was being generous enough to call it a plot. 

Vanya will have been waiting for him faithfully the entire time to come home, like a sister in a Folgers Classic Roast ®️ coffee commercial waiting for her brother to come home from the Peace Corps in Africa. Which is to say, entirely inappropriately. 

Five would walk inside of the mansion, and everyone would stare in horror as he eyed Vanya. They will thankfully not immediately pounce on each other like animals in heat. 

No, the Academy will disband from breakfast, a somber affair that showed none of the holiday spirit warranted for Christmas without a single drop of Folgers Classic Roast ®️ coffee to supplement the imagery of a wholesome, Midwestern, American family. Vanya and Five will stay behind, still staring at each other, entranced and so in love (which they are in love, the reason they’re so yucky with each other is because they _are_ so in love.) 

“You’re home,” Vanya said, breaking the silence for the both of them. She shuffled forward, ringing her hands together. She wondered, briefly, if she should touch his face or if Five had seen unimaginable things. “Oh, God, Five, you’re _home._ ”

Five closed the distance between them, pulling her into his arms and breathing in the familiar scent of her hair. They don’t talk about whatever he experienced when he was gone. 

He gently handed her the small box with the delicately placed bow. She pulled the bow off the present, placing it on Five’s chest gently. He looked at her in confusion. 

“You’re my present this year,” she explained.

They kissed for the first time in years. It would’ve been sweet if they hadn’t immediately started taking off their clothes. Once unclothed, Five walked her forward until her back hit the dining room table, and she hopped up, already spreading her legs and settling them against his shoulders. 

Needless to say, the table had to be burned afterwards. Five and Vanya were asked to leave the mansion and never come back. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe somebody willingly read all of this, here’s a gold star for your efforts⭐️


End file.
